No audience required

Almost everything I do in a day has an intended audience.  Lately I’ve been feeling that I’ve been getting lost somewhere between who I am and how people see me.  I want there to be a corner of my life where no audience is required, or even intended.  Something that does not take into account what people might think. 

I think some people are more sensitive to the feedback loop of impressions than others.  I’m one of those people.  I act, see how I act from other perspectives, adjust the act, reinterpret the interpretation, and adjust again.  It’s a hall of mirrors feedback loop and what once was a clear picture of myself turns into a tunnel of grayness extending to infinity.

I’m so tired of reinterpreting my own actions and motivations, that even the act of reading what I’m typing as I type it is beggining to grate on me.  Closing my eyes while I type is helping me connect with the in itial thought rather than the thought one step removed on the screen.  It feels refreshing. 

Even myself as audience is not required.